“I’m not going to lie. I’m a little drunk right now. That’s a lie. I’m very drunk right now. I’ve been watching the election, and just, fuck. This is depressing.

I don’t even know what to say right now. I’m disappointed in everyone. We as Americans elected a terrible person.”

• Me, last night

I tried to write about how I felt about the election last night, and that’s as far as I got. It was probably a combination of multiple things. My intoxication level, notwithstanding, I had a lot of trouble with it. I was kind of overwhelmed. I was angry. I was sad. I was disappointed. The thing that really hit me though was that by the end of the night I was just numb.

I’m so tired. I don’t want to worry about down ballot elections and supreme court nominations. I don’t want to watch people yell at each other on TV without actually talking about anything. I don’t want to read news articles summarizing things I later learn aren’t even true. I’m just so fucking tired.

I don’t align myself to any particular political party. I work in a very right wing industry, but I’m socially very liberal. I found myself in a difficult place this election. I was stuck between a candidate I don’t trust, and a candidate who I think is genuinely not a good person. I know a lot of people feel the same way.

I have this idea of America in my head. It’s a beautiful place where people can come and find a better life. It’s a place where people help and support each other while working for a greater good. It’s a place where it’s okay to speak out against wrongs you see against your community. It’s a place where you can be a better version of yourself. It’s a place where everyone is supposed to be equal, and even though we aren’t, we’re working towards that. It’s an idealized version of America that I know doesn’t actually exist, but one that I hope someday will.

Last night shook me. It shook me to my core. In my heart of hearts I believed that most people generally had the same idea of America as I do. I was very wrong. We elected a misogynist, openly racist man that hates the freedom of the press to be the next president of the United States of America. I don’t know how this happened. I’m still trying to process it.

People can politically align themselves any way that they want. That’s their business. I don’t care. Do what you want. Politics are intricate and difficult to understand. Honestly, I don’t understand a lot of politics. There are a lot of things I don’t have the time or the energy to learn about. It’s just a lot. That’s not an admission of guilt, that’s an admission of being a person.

There is one thing I know for sure. I’m deeply disappointed in America. I’m deeply disappointed in all of us. Let’s all try and be better.